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On Loving and Being in Love
- By Steven H Horne
- Published September 20, 2009
When I'd hear people say, "there's a thin line between love and hate" and other similar phrases, it always used to puzzle me. I couldn't figure out how love could turn to hate. Then I realized that the emotion most people call love is really desire.
Desire is a form of love, but it's a self-centered form of love. Desire arises out of my own emotional needs. I have love as desire for many things, but they are always things that please me, that bring me joy or pleasure or fun. I can love ice cream, love hiking or even love another person this way, but when the object of my desire fails to bring me pleasure or worse yet, brings me pain, my desire can turn to hate in an instant.
Love, as I have come to understand and experience it, is a general good-will towards others. It is an other-directed emotion that enables me to respond to other people's needs and feelings with kindness and compassion. Because it is a self-less emotion, it cannot turn to hate because when we act out of love we never expected anything in return. So, there is no unfulfilled desire that can turn to hate.
Relationships start out with people being "in love," that is, they desire one another because they see a promise of emotional fulfillment in the other person. This is what romantic love is all about. Being "in love" is feeling desire for someone.
Unfortunately, when we fall "in love" we are never seeing the object of our desire clearly. We are seeing the other person through the "lens" of our desire. We are enchanted, in love with our own illusion, not with the actual person.
That's why a few days, or a few months or perhaps even a year or so later we start to become disillusioned. We become disenchanted. The object of our desire has flaws. They have needs of their own that we don't want to meet. They have annoying habits. They are just as imperfect as we are.
Being disillusioned is a good thing, because it can open the door to real love between two people, but most people simply trade one illusion for another. Now, the object of their desire isn't "right" for them. So, they start cataloging their partner's faults to prove this new illusion. They may "split up" or they may stay together but fight and make each other miserable.
Love is a choice. We choose to be loving.
A relationship requires that we balance our desire with being loving. We have to be able to communicate our desires to our partner without making our partner wrong or demanding they fulfill them. We have a right to ask for what we want, but we cannot demand it. After all, is this person you claim to "love" your slave? What requires them to fulfill your desires? You are not a child who is "entitled" to have their parents feed, clothe and take care of them. You are an adult, and adults fulfill their needs by creating mutually agreeable exchanges.
Of course, if the other person does hear your request and respond to it in a loving way, you will feel more "in love" with them. But the reverse is also true. If you are willing to hear their requests and respond to them they will feel more "in love" with you. In other words, other people being "in love" with you is primarily dependent on how you treat them. Whether you are loving to them, or not, is your choice.
Jesus asked, if we love those who love us, have we really accomplished anything good? Not really, because everyone does that. It's easy to feel loving towards someone who is being kind to you and fulfilling your emotional needs. The harder task is to be loving towards them when they aren't being very kind or fulfilling your emotional needs. That's the point when we learn how loving we really are.
We have an even greater opportunity to learn to be loving when we feel used, abused and betrayed. I'm not suggesting that you "put up" with being used and abused. You shouldn't. But, you don't have to hate the person who did it to you. You just have to take steps to remove yourself from the situation where they can continue to use and abuse you.
It seems to me that most people today only want love as desire, they don't want to actually learn to love. That's why marriages don't hold together. That's why families are constantly being broken up and destroyed. Many people today actually feel like they have the "right" to emotionally abuse other people. What is usually depicted in movies and TV shows as "being in love" are actually dysfunctional people caught up in love as desire who are actually abusive to each other.
We need to help people move beyond love as "desire" and realize that this kind of love will never bring lasting joy or fulfillment. This can only be done when we can start reconnecting with real love, something in very short supply in our modern world.
Desire is a form of love, but it's a self-centered form of love. Desire arises out of my own emotional needs. I have love as desire for many things, but they are always things that please me, that bring me joy or pleasure or fun. I can love ice cream, love hiking or even love another person this way, but when the object of my desire fails to bring me pleasure or worse yet, brings me pain, my desire can turn to hate in an instant.
Love, as I have come to understand and experience it, is a general good-will towards others. It is an other-directed emotion that enables me to respond to other people's needs and feelings with kindness and compassion. Because it is a self-less emotion, it cannot turn to hate because when we act out of love we never expected anything in return. So, there is no unfulfilled desire that can turn to hate.
Relationships start out with people being "in love," that is, they desire one another because they see a promise of emotional fulfillment in the other person. This is what romantic love is all about. Being "in love" is feeling desire for someone.
Unfortunately, when we fall "in love" we are never seeing the object of our desire clearly. We are seeing the other person through the "lens" of our desire. We are enchanted, in love with our own illusion, not with the actual person.
That's why a few days, or a few months or perhaps even a year or so later we start to become disillusioned. We become disenchanted. The object of our desire has flaws. They have needs of their own that we don't want to meet. They have annoying habits. They are just as imperfect as we are.
Being disillusioned is a good thing, because it can open the door to real love between two people, but most people simply trade one illusion for another. Now, the object of their desire isn't "right" for them. So, they start cataloging their partner's faults to prove this new illusion. They may "split up" or they may stay together but fight and make each other miserable.
Love is a choice. We choose to be loving.
A relationship requires that we balance our desire with being loving. We have to be able to communicate our desires to our partner without making our partner wrong or demanding they fulfill them. We have a right to ask for what we want, but we cannot demand it. After all, is this person you claim to "love" your slave? What requires them to fulfill your desires? You are not a child who is "entitled" to have their parents feed, clothe and take care of them. You are an adult, and adults fulfill their needs by creating mutually agreeable exchanges.
Of course, if the other person does hear your request and respond to it in a loving way, you will feel more "in love" with them. But the reverse is also true. If you are willing to hear their requests and respond to them they will feel more "in love" with you. In other words, other people being "in love" with you is primarily dependent on how you treat them. Whether you are loving to them, or not, is your choice.
Jesus asked, if we love those who love us, have we really accomplished anything good? Not really, because everyone does that. It's easy to feel loving towards someone who is being kind to you and fulfilling your emotional needs. The harder task is to be loving towards them when they aren't being very kind or fulfilling your emotional needs. That's the point when we learn how loving we really are.
We have an even greater opportunity to learn to be loving when we feel used, abused and betrayed. I'm not suggesting that you "put up" with being used and abused. You shouldn't. But, you don't have to hate the person who did it to you. You just have to take steps to remove yourself from the situation where they can continue to use and abuse you.
It seems to me that most people today only want love as desire, they don't want to actually learn to love. That's why marriages don't hold together. That's why families are constantly being broken up and destroyed. Many people today actually feel like they have the "right" to emotionally abuse other people. What is usually depicted in movies and TV shows as "being in love" are actually dysfunctional people caught up in love as desire who are actually abusive to each other.
We need to help people move beyond love as "desire" and realize that this kind of love will never bring lasting joy or fulfillment. This can only be done when we can start reconnecting with real love, something in very short supply in our modern world.
Steven H Horne
Steven Horne is a professional member of the American Herbalist's Guild. He is the recent past president of the Guild and was on their board of directors for four years. He has also served on the board of directors for the International Iridology Practitioner's Association and is a professional member of that organization.
Steven has lectured all over North America and in several foreign countries on herbs, nutrition, iridology, emotional healing and other aspects of natural healing.
Steven lives with his wife Helen in Leeds, Utah.
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