This brings me to the final assault on masculinity.  Ladies, if you’ve been brave enough to read this “For Men Only” article, you may or may not want to read this part.  It’s definitely not politically correct. 

It’s tough to put a finger on the exact qualities that make a man, manly, but we can see these qualities in the heroic men of historical movies and fiction. (Most modern movies have very poor role models of masculinity.)  Some of the qualities we might observe in these “manly” men include physical strength, moral courage, self-confidence, a willingness to make personal sacrifice to do one’s duty, the ability to stay calm and level headed in a crisis and good leadership skills. 

Men are different than boys.  A boy has to undergo rites of passage to become a man.  Traditionally, these rites of passage were performed by older men around the time of puberty.  Boys were taken from their mothers and taken out into the wilderness, fields or workplace by men and taught what it means to be a man.  They were taught to face their own fears and act with courage in the face of those fears.  They were taught to be responsible, to support the team (other men), to lead, to hunt, etc. They were taught the skills of the warrior and had to prove that they were willing to lay their lives on the line in order to protect those who were entrusted to their care and do their duty. 

Most importantly, especially in tribal cultures, a man had to do their vision quest to discover their life purpose and mission. A man is not a man without a sense of life purpose.  A man needs a mission in life.  Something he is dedicated to that is more important to him than his own life or even his family.  Great men have always had a cause.  Part of the rite of passage is the vision quest, where the boy faced the wilderness alone and was expected to emerge with the vision of his life purpose.

All this is largely missing from modern society.  With young men spending much of their time in public school and the high rate of divorce, where mothers get custody of the children 90% of the time, boys don’t get to experience the rites of passage they need to learn how to become men.  Boys learn how to be men from men. A woman can’t teach a boy to be a man.

A boy has to be “roughed up” by the men to toughen that part of him that turns him from a boy into a man.  The is because the essence of manhood is to be able to set aside my personal comfort and needs and be responsible enough to do what needs to be done.  This is the essence of the hero.  The hero confronts the problem in spite of the danger to himself and fights the good fight.  And, no matter how deeply it is buried or lost, in his heart, every man longs to be the hero.

A man who does not know how to assume the role of the hero in his own life will suffer. He may become depressed or withdrawn.  He may turn to alcohol or drugs. He will father children and not care for them. He will be unable to commit to caring for and protecting a woman in marriage. 

It is important to emphasize at this point that men who are abusive and violent lack healthy masculine energy. Remember that the essence of manliness is to put aside one’s own needs and comfort to be responsible enough to do what needs to be done. A man who has completed his rites of passage does not lash out against those who are physically weaker than him or dependent on him for care and support. 

I was fortunate to have had at least a partial rite of male passage because when I was growing up I started working with my dad and uncles during the summer months.  Associating with men in the workplace instilled in me a work ethic and a sense of responsibility I see lacking in many of the grown-up boys I see in the world.

I also had another male rite of passage when I joined the Airforce at 23 and went through basic training.  That’s another experience where male values are instilled in you. I learned to quit making excuses and to take responsibility for what I do. I’m glad I at least had some male rites of passage, many guys have had none.

Anti-Male Media Messages

Unfortunately, much of the popular movies, TV and literature of today doesn’t provide very healthy examples of mature masculinity.  In fact, you’ll often find men portrayed as grown-up, irresponsible boys.  

Interestingly enough, it was my sister who opened my eyes to start seeing this.  She told me that she didn’t like the Bernstein Bear’s children’s books.  I asked her why and she told me because Momma Bear is the smart one and the leader of the family and Pappa Bear is practically one of the children and she thought the books were demeaning to men.

Since that time I’ve noticed how often this happens in modern movies and TV shows.  Instead of being shown as respectable leaders, who are willing to set aside their own comfort to do their duty with courage, it has become popular to portray men as weaker than women and less capable.  It’s not that women aren’t better at certain things than men, it’s just that the idea that men have suppressed women for generations has become so entrenched in the popular mindset that male bashing has begun to be accepted as “normal.”

I’ve had to work hard at recognizing this subtle, but continual “propaganda” that is communicating that I should in some way be ashamed for being a man, for thinking like a man, acting like a man and having the desires and attitudes a man has.  Joining a local men’s group here in Saint George has been very helpful for me.  Learning that my attitudes, feelings, desires and problems are similar to other guys has helped me recognize that I’m OK and that the way I think and feel is normal.

I’ve also found a number of resources that have helped me develop a healthier masculine self-confidence.  I’ve included some of the books and materials I’ve found that have helped to shift my attitudes and help shake some of the “boyish” qualities out of me and develop more “manly” attitudes and attributes.  Check some of these materials out.  They can really help you.

Men, it’s OK to be a man.  It’s OK that we’re different than women.  Difference is good.  Let’s protect those differences by taking care of our masculine health.  Avoid the chemicals and xenoestrogens that rob your masculine energy.  Eat healthy and do what it takes to have a stronger and healthier physical body as this always helps our feeling of masculine confidence.  Finally, associate regularly with other men and seek out some resources that support a healthy masculine self-image.  In short, learn to be the manly hero in your life that you secretly long to be by defending your right to be masculine.

Suggested References

Mind OS and The Omega Male by Dr. Paul Dobransky (These are courses available at www.doctorpaul.net. Although this website is primarily aimed at men who are single and are trying to learn to date and become more successful with women, the stuff Dr. Paul teaches can help any man.  His MindOS material is great.  I’m saving up to take his Omega Male program.  He has has a women’s version of his MindOS system available at www.womenshappiness.com)

The Myth of Male Power by Warren Farrell (This was the original book that opened my eyes to the problems we men face in modern society and the anti-male propoganda that is going on in the media. It provides statistics showing how many men are struggling in today’s society and how little help there is for them.  For instance, it documents the high rate of male suicide and depression and the fact that women physically assault men in relationships almost as often as men assault women.)

Equality: A Man's Claim : The Equality Issue from the Male Perspective, and an Ethical Society's Viewpoint by Alan Millard (This volume covers the same concepts as The Myth of Male Power, but does so in a way that is so far to the other extreme that it could be called a masculinist book.  What it helped me to see was how ridiculous and far out some of the feminist assertions are and what it would be like if men really had there way.  This book is out of print, but when I checked there were four copies available on Amazon.  The author has a website www.ncfm.org. There is a whole list of books on this topic on that site.)

Men Freeing Men: Exploding the Myth of Traditional Male by Francis Baumli, Ph.D.  (This is another great book talking about the men’s movement and documenting that inequality is a two-way street.)

Iron John: A Book About Men by Robert Bly (Robert Bly is one of the pioneers of the Men’s Movement and this book uses a traditional story to tell how the boy develops into the man.)

The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity: A Modern Practical Guide to the Ancient Way (Fireside Books (Fireside)) by Daniel P. Reid (A good book on sexual health for Men based on Chinese medicine)

Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon (The best book on nutrition I’ve ever read. Another politically-incorrect book.)

The Castration of the American Male by Gary Brodsky (OK, Gary is probably a bit extreme for most of you and you’ll probably find the titles of some of his books outright offensive [I do], but nonetheless, this book does point to a real problem and is worth reading. Gary’s website is www.garybrodsky.com. I’ve already warned you that you might find some of his other stuff offensive, so visit his site only if you’re not easily offended.)